PA-thetic

They’ll make the playoffs, my dad said to me a few days ago.

Ha ha, I replied. If they sweep Boston, sure. If not. No way.

I watched the game last night for about one minute. I flipped over from “Burn Notice”(great show, watch it) reruns on the Web to check the score (it was 2-2 ) and just before I went to bed (4-2). I saw Robinson Cano strikeout, waving helplessly at a Manny DelCarmen offering.

This has been the most disastrous Yankees season in my memory. Not because the team stinks, it does, despite its payroll, but because the expectations the team has built for itself.

The difference, probably well-chronicled at this point, between those teams in the mid-90s and early-00s is guts, intestinal fortitude: the ability to do what's needed when it's needed. Bunt, go first to the third, hit a sac fly, a ground ball to the right side to move a runner. And pitching, that's important too. At least, consistent pitching from the same five starters and group of relievers, not the revolving cast the Yankees have gotten by with in recent seasons.

I blame Alfonso Soriano for starting the Yankees on this path. Sure, he could occasionally muscle one out, but more often he walked back to the dugout shaking head ... like our friend Alex Rodriguez.

Wave the white flag, get some pitching, get ready for next season.

No blogging no cry

I tried the ignore it thing again.

It worked this time. After last night, the Yankees are going away. I thought, if they swept the Sox on the heels of the Orioles sweep, they'd gather some momentum and that would be enough. But no, they laid a huge egg last night, thanks to ... A-Rod, awful pitching, whatever. The result is the same., a crippling, embarassing loss to a gimmick pitcher who has stuck it to the Yankees for a decade.


Last night gets four A-Rod grimaces: compliments of him accounting for 5 left on and three outs in his final two at-bats.

To sleep, perchance to dream ...

I was out by 9:30 last night (I'm usually up by 4 a.m. now). About an after the Yankees fell into a coma the likes of which they are unlikely to recover from. You'd think an 11-run loss would warrant an awful score, but it gets only two A-Rod grimaces. Giving Roy Halladay a 10- or 14-run lead is like giving a Hannibal (the Carthaginian, not “The A-Team” one) M1A1 tanks instead of elephants. The game was over at 3-0, but Marco Scutaro took out his journeyman hammer and drove home those final nails in the coffin.



Michael Kay’s enthusiasm has finally been sucked out of him. He’s clearly frustrated, disgusted and baffled. It’s about time. He even mailed Hideki Matsui’s A-Rodian blast in the eighth.

I wish Harry Doyle was around to do these games. It would make the losing so much more enjoyable.

Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.

For, those of us who were alive the last time the Yankees won the series, remember, it was only eight years ago. Eight years. Not 86. Not 100. Feels that way though, doesn’t it?

1-0 since the birth of Frustrato-tron 5000

One A-Rod grimace for last night’s game. Can’t very well give it a worse rating, considering the Cap had three hits (tying Roger Maris of all people on the Yankees HR list), and it was a win.

You did notice, however, A-Rod tried to heave a ball into the seats. AND he went 0-4 with three left on.

This season has me typing in all caps and using punctuation other than commas and periods. Exclamation points, all caps, italics, these things are for people trying to sell you something, usually for erectile dysfunction and anyone younger than 13.

I’m wondering why Andy Pettitte came out after just seven innings and what, 84 pitches?
Just to get Brian Bruney two innings of work? There’s no talk of Pettitte being injured. He could have finished that game. I hate you Tony LaRussa.

Carl Pavano might start for the Yankees this season. That’s a five A-Rod grimace game if there ever was one, although that might be worth creating Frustrato-tron 5000v2.

Olympic note: We (the U.S.) are evidently good at water polo. Is it because we’re the only country that can fill a space that big with water safe enough for human use? The water at the Cube or Sphere or Cone or whatever they’re calling it is suspiciously blue. I wonder if that was CGI’d too.

A rating system is born

Hating Alex Rodriguez is a cliché I won't buy into. However, the disdain I have for him at the moment is shocking, even to me, in its intensity and the speed with which it overtook me.

I just can't figure out what the guy is thinking: at the plate, in the field, on the bases. Is he going Chuck Knoblauch? He's on the verge. You can see it, looming, creeping around the edges of his game, waiting, waiting, waiting to pounce.

You watch, the first grounder he fields tonight is headed for the second deck at the Rogers Centre (stupid Canadians, just spell it like the rest of us). He'll be in leftfield by early September, a DH by June of 2009 and on the California Penal League All-Star Team by August 2010. Maybe his cell mate can get him mentally focused and help with positive thinking.

Anyway, I've developed the following system to gauge my feelings about a given Yankees game. Let's call it Frustrato-tron 5000 (patent pending). Behold:
One A-Rod grimace: Probably a win, or a humorous loss. It's probably a game Mike Mussina pitched, which should default it to two grimaces, considering I buried him at the beginning of the season. Robbie Cano likely ran out every grounder he rolled over to second base.


Two A-Rod grimaces: Yanks lose, but the played tough. It's likely Derek Jeter grounded into two double play in this game and twisted his ankle trying to beat the second one because it kills a 1st and 3rd one out rally.


Three A-Rod grimaces: Same as above, but Jeter is lifted and sent for X-Rays. (Rating drops back to two if he's put on the DL with a Lisfranc injury. This is a positive outcome. Better that than Jeter's frustration boiling over and resulting in clubhouse attacks on A-Rod and Jason Giambi: "You ruined my team you a-holes!! There's no room here for the mentally deficient or the chemically dependent!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHH!!!!" I bet Jeter pulls his hands in even during an assault and battery.

Four A-Rod grimaces: See Tuesday's game against the Blue Jays.

Five A-Rod grimaces: Special cases. Likely the last home game. The Yanks are 15 games out and A-Rod goes 4-5 with the three bombs, 11 RBIs, two stolen bases and performs the Heimlich maneuver on a child along the third base line while camping under a pop fly, which he basket-catches, signs and hands to the youngster. The fifth grimace is assigned right after the Stadium is bulldozed.

Tara Reid found work ... seriously, it would have been funnier

That's where this blog was heading before Johnny Damon inexplicably forgot how to go back on and catch a routine flyball, not once but twice. The second gaff allowed the go-ahead and eventual winning run to score.

This latest travesty was made all the better by A-Rod leading off the bottom of the ninth with a bloop single that SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DOUBLE BUT HE WASN'T F-ING RUNNING OUT THE F-ING BOX.

"I know, I'll dog it while the ball's in the air, THEN try to make it to second but get thrown out by 20 feet. But it'll be a hustle mistake. Pete Rose hustled. Paul O'Neill hustled. Can't fault hustle!! I'm a Yankee!!! Wheeeeeeeeeee ... Oh, I'm out (sad face)" Idiot.

"... trying to make something happen" Michael Kay said. The ball was a dying quail that rolled to the wall down the rightfield line. I don't care what kind a defensive play Lyle Overbay made ... how is that NOT a double? Oh yeah, A-Rod didn't run. And the excuses ... they rivalled the ones Orestes Destrade rolled out for the overmatched South Dakota Little League team as went up in flames against the team from Florida.

This capped a (truly) brilliant performance by Darrell Rasner, who's only mistake cost him his start and the Yankees' the lead. This capped Jason Giambi striking out four times. Sadly, the 'stache has run its course. A-Rod contributed with three Ks of his own.

Welcome back Hideki Matsui.

Oh yeah ... the Tara Reid thing. There's not one, but two seemingly hot blonde waitresses working the ritzy seats behiond home plate. They deliver drinks, popcorn, hot dogs ... you know, they do the heavy lifting. They might be twins. They might be clones. They might be Tara Reid clones. Who knows.

Mehcation

I thought by ignoring the Yankees, they'd go away. Turns out this approach didn't work, although not paying much attention to them for the last few days was refreshing. And they took 2 of 3 from the Royals. Although they should have swept that series.

I was on the road during the first game, which the Yankees lost, and John Sterling and Suzanne Waldman were belaboring the point about how the Royals had no power and this guy and the other guy were 0-forever. Funny what happens when you play the game. The Yankees left 22 runners on, Jason Giambi accounted for seven of them. In their 3-2 extra inning win, the Yanks left a whopping 31 runners on ... through the first 3 innings they went 0-7 with runners in scoring position. Damon, A-Rod, Giambi and Nady accounted for 19 of those runners, which means the right guys were, they just didn't do anything. Then the Yankees scored 15 and there was much rejoicing.

Can hit a 3-run homer (not just A-Rod) when it's 12-3 in 5th, but can't hit a sac fly when it's 3-2 in the 7th. meh.

In the AL, the Yankees are
5th in team batting average: .272.
3rd in on base percentage: .345.
7th in runs scored: 601.
7th in ERA: 4.24
8th in hits surrendered: 1122

The Yankees are superficially stellar and substancially piss poor.

Blechcation

A 3-7 road trip that was about as disatrous as possible. A sweep, a 4-game series split and dropping 2 of 3 to the Twinkies. No offense, mediocre pitching except for Mussina and Robbie Cano living up to every stereotype out there about Latin players: moody, selfish absent-minded. Melky Cabrera is no where to be seen and Derek Jeter is gimping.

And behold, Hank Steinbrenner looked up the devastated, ridiculously expensive Yankees and spake thusly: we're injured, we're likely out of it this season, but next season, we'll be ready. Logic? Sense? PATIENCE? From a Steinbrenner. Hard to believe, but true. The Yankees will always be competitive be virtue of the amount of money they spend on players. It's just a matter of how competitive: winning record, playoffs, playoff run; and how healthy. Not so much this season.

Which of the following excuses are legitmate for the Yankees?
Chien-Ming Wang
Hideki Matsui
Phil Hughes
Ian Kennedy, although his is mostly mental
Joba Chamberlain
Jorge Posasda
Carl Pavano (ha ha)
Andt Pettitte missed time
Alex Rodriguez missed time
Derek Jeter missed time

If you answered all and none, congratulations. You are correct. I think Dick Cheney said you go to war with the army have, not the army you wish you had. So wise is Dick.

Split screen visions

I had the Yanks on the 4-inch picture-in-picture screen right after Mo gave up the tying runs. So, in the 12th, when A-Rod hit the go-ahead home run, I thought I was seeing, I don't know, highlights from some other game, maybe a flashback to some other A-Rod home run at the Baggydome. Turns out, no. And then Nady goes and hits one.

That's about as unlikely a win as the Yankees will have this season. About as improbable as the Red Sox giving up, what 16? and winning.

Blogcation

My friend Matt and I decided we'd rather the Yankees just reverted to their late-80s badness, instead of this good team-horrible team they've been at for the last, oh, 5 years, maybe 7.

They just look lifeless. Robinson Cano looks lost, Derek Jeter is hobbling around and A-Rod is sinking deeper into his mental abyss. Hell, even the coaching staff is screwing up now, but a rare clutch hit tonight erased that, at least.

Even when they get good pitching, it's wasted, see last night. Of course, they're not out of the wild card, but to be honest, I never even consider the wild card, even after all these years, I need to be reminded it's out there. Even after wild card teams have time and again manhandled the Yankees.

What can I say, I'm a purest.

15 wins

Mike Mussina and his magic season continue.

He helped the Yanks salvage the Rangers' series, but the pinstripers are still doing little more than treading water.

This is Mussina's walk year, and players traditionally perform better than average, but what is Mussina worth as a free agent, considering three months ago it was questionable whether he would be in the league, let alone a legitmate Cy Young candidate. Baseball's a funny game that way.

And, with many games left to be played, what rears its majestic head? Football. It's just too soon. Way too soon to even be thinking about this. Especially in the context of Brett Favre mania. I hope the Madden jinx gets him.

Andy being Andy

So, I guess it wasn't Pudge's fault Andy Pettitte's pitches have been flying out of ballparks across this great land of ours.

Oddly, I gave up on the Yanks last night - mostly because Sid Meier's newest addition to his famous “Civilization” series came into my hands. But, while my Sherman tanks were flattening archers and legionaires and catapults - this is as much fun as it sounds - the Yankees were very quielty staging a late-inning comeback. Which eventually fell short. I thought my picture in picture was deceiving, but alas, it was setting me up or disappointment.

The Yanks must have set some kind record for inning-ending double plays last night. At least the 2nd, 3rd and 4th innings ended that way.

Also, so much the A-Rod’s late-innning clutchisisicitude. Now, he’s regular old A-Rod, striking out when it matters most. But hey, at least he looks as if he’s REALLY upset when he does so. He’s almost perfected the art of “disgusted bat toss after called third strike.” Keep up the good work A-Rod!

You’re pal DJ ain’t much more to look at these days though. But he’s the captain and you’re not. So he gets a pass for his mediocrity in the clutch this season. He’s still hitting well above .300 with runners in scoring position, but he’s grounding in double plays seemingly every game. Research says 17 this season.

And finally, who the hell is at the PA microphone at Yankee Stadium? He sounds like the default voice on a Mac. If we can’t have Bob Shepard, there’s only a short list of acceptable replacements: Morgan Freeman, James Earl Jones, Patrick Stewart, Ian McCellan. Look, and old black or British guy will do. Get on that.

Wasted chances piling up

Sox and Rays lose, so the Yanks go ahead and lose too. No one likes a copy cat.

But seriously, Marte couldn't just give up a solo home run to the first batter in the ninth? He had to walk three and get two outs before shotputting a BP fastball to Marlon Byrd. MARLON BYRD??!! Come on. We all deserved better than that garbage.

I'm glad I'm tired, otherwise I might waste energy being mad.

The upside to the whole thing was at least we didn't have to sit through match-ups of lefty vs lefty, this guy vs. that guy becaue that guy is 1 for15 in night games with 8,998,154,723 stars in the sky and 37,904 people in the stands. One pitcher to win or lose. At least there was that.

Breakfast blogging

Blogspot was down at some point this weekend, but have no fear loyal fan, I am back with my words of wisdom regarding the Yankees.

A split of a four-game set against the Angels, considering the start, is probably the best we (fans) could hope for. The Angels, as evidenced in the first two, typically manhandled the Yankees.

Which reminds me. Is Joe Girardi the ONLY person on the planet who doesn't know Mo Rivera will give up a run in that situation? I don't care what how good a season Rivera is having, I don't even care what they numbers say - although in this case they match the visual evidence. If it's not a save situation, Rivera isn't as effective. Hence, walk, blooper, roller up the middle, Yankees lose, Yankees lose.

Mike Mussina continued his unexpected brilliance, and the Yankees came up huge yesterday with their two comebacks. Considering what was facing them, I gave them up for dead. That said, for the first time in a long time, I didn't stop watching. There was something about yesterday game that gave me hope, a feeling one doesn't typically get from this Yankees team when it gets down.

For the Department of Wow, Really?: The Yankees have the second-fewest errors in the America League, 55, behind the Indians.

Yankee Stadium hosted its biggest and last Old Timers' Day. The Yankees trucked out 70+ former Yankees. Look, I get it. It's the Yankees. Anything the team does is historic, but more than half those guys wouldn't make the local beer league team.

Yes, some had significant roles to play in the history of the organization. You know the names, although the cache drops somewhat once you get beyond Yogi and Whitey. Sure, there's Reggie and Dave Winfield. Hell, in the Yankees pantheon, some of the guys I watched, Paul O'Neill and Tino Martinez, were major pinstripers, but even the guys from the '70s just haven't aged enough to merit "Old Timer" status, even by Yankees standards.

But really ... David Cone and Al Leiter? Leiter was a disaster for the Yankees (he's not that great in the booth). He pitched that one good game in Boston ... and it wasn't as if he threw a no hitter. It was 5-plus and that was that. Even Bernie Williams, who I'm sure holds some ill-will toward to the team understands the phrase "too soon." He was on vacation with his family. Does a guy with $150 million-plus in the bank and nothing to do with his time but play guitar and watch "The Price is Right" get vacations? Doesn't life after baseball, especially when you're a star, default to "vacation" status until you're asked to say, make an appearance at a car dealership opening or sign autographs at a baseball card convention - do they even have those anymore?

Anyway, sure it's nice to see the old faces, but it's too soon for many and it never will be the right time for the most of rest.

Plus, one inning? What happened to the game? ONE INNING? The introductions took two hours. Lame.

Finally, did it look as if Yogi Berra's pants were trying to eat him?